Dear Dr. Laura

This biting bit of satire has been bopping around cyberspace for some time, now, and a friend recently sent it to me. I never ceases to amaze me how people pick and choose the which verses of scripture that they want to follow. Read on for a good laugh!

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her Radio show. On her radio show recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as thought-provoking.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have neighbors who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

Natalie Vassilaka

Comments

[Dogma-tic]

Isn't it amazing how the religious right can interpret the bible in so many ways? I find this article extremely useful and humorous in the fact that it so defines how the Bible is used by whomever reads it. Dr. Laura would probably defend her position by saying that the Bible is to be interpreted in a literal sense and not taken word for word. But yet doesn't she use the Bible in a "quotated" means when she calls homosexuality an abomination? C'mon there girl - pick one! Its either you take the Bible for EXACTLY what it says or you feel free to interpret anything and EVERYTHING that's in it. You can't pick and choose.

Hence you see why I have a problem with organized religion. It isn't just Christianity but it happens in Islam and Judaism and everywhere else. People interpret what they want to out of religion and miss the point - faith.

Watch the movie 'Dogma'; an interesting take on catholicism and religion in general. And don't take it too seriously, its just one person's interpretation...

[Michiel]

Oh man that was very funny; I love a good biblebashing once in a while. Hope you don't mind people replying to old posts; it's news to me :)

In my personal view people like Laura Schlessinger should be shipped off to an isolated island somewhere to live out their natural lives with all the other ignorant and intolerant fools.

It's a shame about organised religion really; their 'guidebooks', be it bible, torah, koran or whatever they all more or less were designed to instruct people to be nice to each other and live well according to the customs/laws/rules of their time. I agree with Ben there; literal intepretation of such documents is stupid.

To complement your post I offer you the top 15 biblical ways to acquire a wife:

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose your son though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

[shamash]

What a fantastic sequel to "Letter to Dr. Laura"!!! Very, very funny, and very, very straight from the Bible!!!

[poorthings]

Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura? Like most people who "hate" her, probably not. Your hatred comes from knowing she is RIGHT about her beliefs on morality and immorality. Yes, you hate her because she believes the best interests of children come BEFORE those of adults, that children deserve to live and not be sucked into a sink because they are an inconvenience or not yet a "baby, because she is pro-family and feels marriages(without adultery, abuse or addiction) with children need to provide a stable home for their children in spite of their own "feelings" of not wanting to be together anymore, or because she is against ALL one parent families - not just homosexual ones, but any home that intentionally deprives a child of a mother and a father (male and female, or because she states men and women have different strengths which compliment each other and, while equal, we are totally different. There are many more reasons people "hate" Dr. Laura, but the truth remains she is RIGHT, biblically or not. She is a brilliant, convicted woman and the truth she speaks can be very hard for the selfish to hear.

[shamash]

Poorthings:

I don't see the word "hate" in my post nor in the comments that follow my post. Look up the word "satire" at dictionary.com.

I don't hate Dr. Laura. I listen to her show when I'm home in the States. She a convincing communicator, and I admire some of the advice she gives to some of her callers who are wallowing in self-pity and victimization. After listening to her show I feel better, somehow. I feel as if all is right in the world. She has all the answers, and as you say, is a "convicted woman."

We love listening to people who seem to have the world all figured out. We love being persuaded that in a world before divorce and the break-up of the traditional family, families were one, happy unit with men and women having their set, prescribed roles.

My caution is this: think for yourself, poorthings. Rather than swallow everything Dr. Laura says as truth, go to the source. Read the ALL the scriptures, not just the ones she quotes. Talk to people who come from single-parent homes and ask if they somehow "missed out" on the whole "two-parent" family unit. Check out the fact that there are many two-parent couples (where the parents are homosexual) who raise of healthy, well-balanced children.

The world's a big, scary place. I'm glad you've found someone who you believe is morally RIGHT and who makes sense of a chaotic society where things get messy and complicated. I'm glad you found someone who "speaks the truth"... someone who is RIGHT.

What ever floats your boat, poorthings.