It’s the best solution I know to being torn in so many directions.
Image:_"Multiple_Mindy_Flattened" found here.
I want to be five people.
Shamash 1 would head to the mountains, live in a cabin, and work on her novel.
Shamash 2 would live in the States, taking care of her grandmother.
Shamash 3 would spend the summer in Marmaduke helping the tornado victims and the The Man Who Planted Trees who is rebuilding his farm.
Shamash 4 would pursue her PhD.
Shamash 5 would live in New Mexico near the Pirate Sisters.
But, I’m not five people. I am one.
I’ll forgo the mountains (and my novel) until the time is ripe. I’ll visit my grandmother during the holidays, offering her portions of my time. I’ll do what I can do to support The Man Who Planted Trees: a phone call, a letter, a prayer. I’ll keep checking out doctoral programs, until I find just the right fit. I’ll keep in touch with all my Taosenos, call and write often, visiting when I can.
I am a pie, parceling out my life into slices, never completely satisfying any dream. In giving a little here, a little there, every portion is half-assed. I am exhausted with it all.
I want to be a full-time writer, not the weekend writer.
I want to be the full-time caretaker of my grandmother, not the occasional one.
I want to be the full-time volunteer/friend who is there for her friends in time of need.
I want to be a full-time doctoral student, focused on her readings and research, contributing something big to the world.
I want to be a full-time Taoseno again, build a house, meet the Sisters for the Solstice gatherings, and hang out on The Mountain.
But, I am a full-time nothing, and a part-time everything.
All these hopes and aspirations leave me all the hungrier, and when I measure out my life at the end of each day, I feel empty.
I am famished for one, true thing: one dream that is so clear and focused, that everything else fades away.
Until I find a way live many different lives simultaneously, I’ll keep serving up pieces of myself to the world as fast as I can.
Life is so short.
I want to give, give, give.
I want to live, live, live.