"A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he wanted it to land."
- from Grau Magus in his anti-metrosexual manifesto, The Retrosexual Code
Want a good laugh? Want a real man? Read on, dear readers. Read on.
(image via Laura Smith Art)
Okay, folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand it no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui."
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The RetroSexual Code :
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title (ie "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" or "Queer as Folk".
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little wuss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie---
And ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can
- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club,etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, paintball, motorcylces.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
I would also add:
a retrosexual man doesn't pluck his eyebrows and if in winter he shows a nice sun-tan is only because he is a fisherman and stays out in the sea all day-long.
Posted by: Miss Sicily | Thursday, 09 November 2006 at 01:36 PM
I love the additions!
Posted by: shamash | Thursday, 09 November 2006 at 06:25 PM
Hi Ms. Sicily! I agree with you. Sun-teint in wintertime is a no-go. Doesn´t this remind us somehow of some people we know? ;-)) Miss our parties!
Posted by: the bluest eyes | Tuesday, 14 November 2006 at 05:45 PM
I find myself being a retrosexual man in someways but not all of them. Does that preclude me from being a retrosexual?
And what about the glorious trademark of a farmer's tan?
Posted by: Darth Vader | Thursday, 16 November 2006 at 09:16 PM
Darth: I would put you in the bi-trosexual category since you could go either way. :-) Although: I'd say you lean more towards the retrosexual.
And: a farmer's tan is usually found on those straplin' farmboys in the summer, not the winter. Not that I would KNOW! ;-)
Posted by: shamash | Friday, 17 November 2006 at 06:42 PM
ummm, it is my summer - remember???? ;)
Posted by: Darth Vader | Friday, 24 November 2006 at 08:43 AM
On that seasonal note, Darth, if I were to dig a hole directly through the earth from where I am, guess where I'd end up?
Go figure, Mr. Summer with (or without!) a tan.
Posted by: shamash | Saturday, 25 November 2006 at 05:04 AM